ARE YOU IN A FRIENDSHIP FRENZY?

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to make friends wherever they go, while others are content to remain anonymous, limiting their sphere of influence to "us four and no more"? Do you find it difficult to meet new people and develop new relationships? Or are you one of those who welcomes a job change, and gets excited about moving to a new neighborhood? Do you look at a long line at the checkout counter as another wonderful opportunity to share your day with a total stranger? Or do you find the shortest line in the "express" checkout, praying no one tries to engage you in meaningless conversation?

Your answers to these questions are dependent to a great degree upon your personality type--basically whether you're an extrovert, who seldom meets a stranger he doesn't like, or an introvert, who likes to keep his distance from the community-at-large. (More on personality types in a later blog.) A true extrovert lives life from the viewpoint that everyone he meets has a real desire to get to know him on a personal level. Frances Littauer, inspirational speaker, author, and comic, jokes that she actually enjoys waiting in checkout lines, and she can hardly wait to call family members to tell them about all the new friends she made while shopping. On the contrary, someone who is an introvert tends to keep to himself, and resents others making "personal" inquiries into his very private life. (Can you see a pattern of conflict developing when an extrovert and an introvert are joined in holy matrimony? Holy mackerel!!)

According to Webster's Dictionary, the word "friend" is defined as follows: "one who is attached to another by affection or esteem; an acquaintance; one that is not hostile; one that favors or promotes a cause; a favored companion."

Bill Gothard, founder of The Institute in Basic Life Principles, makes the following observation: "Many fail to achieve meaningful friendships because they do not have a clear understanding of the levels of friendship. There are specific freedoms and responsibilities on each level."

The first level of friendship is that of an acquaintance. At this level, the relationship is based on occasional contacts, such as sporting events, work-related conferences, seminars, etc. In such a relationship, each person should be free to ask general questions: type of occupation, job titles, city of residence, etc. Each acquaintance should be viewed as a divine appointment, rather than a mere coincidence, for it is at this level that every relationship begins. How are you viewing the active acquaintances in your life today?

A casual friendship is sometimes called a level two friendship, and is based on common interests, activities and concerns. These would include attending the same church, club memberships, sharing the same hobbies, being next-door neighbors, sharing similar political views and affiliations, having children who are involved in the same activities, etc.

At this second level, each person should have the freedom to ask more specific questions of the other: effects of the slowing economy, place and length of employment (if employed), personal opinions on various issues, family makeup, etc. Questions and conversations should stem from a genuine heart of concern for the other person's well-being, with the goal of building mutual trust and confidence. As someone has so aptly put it: No one cares how much you know, until he knows how much you care." And, as the relationship develops, listen more and talk less. And learn to hear the person's heart, and not just his words.

The third friendship level is that of a close friendship. It is at this level that further development of the relationship also involves fellowship, an increase in the personal involvement and participation in each other's lives. This third level is the beginning of what I like to call the "accountability factor", the process in which each person becomes accountable to the other for his attitudes, actions, and personal struggles and successes. In effect, each person becomes a type of sounding board for the other, (hopefully without either one becoming "bored" in the exchange). Sharing such items as personal life goals, family values and visions, and spiritual insights and inspirations is vital in this stage of the relationship. Obviously, the time and energy demands are critical, as well. One of the main goals at this level is for each person to be an encouragement to the other. Side note: A third grade teacher asked her class to define the word fellowship. After some thought, one student proudly exclaimed, "That's easy! It's two or more fellows in a ship!


The fourth and uppermost friendship level is that of an intimate friendship. This level of development in the relationship is centered around the process of mutual character enrichment. Each person should be free to correct the other, and to point out character deficiencies, or "blind spots," that may have otherwise gone undetected. This level can be referred to as the "detect and correct" phase of the friendship, and requires long term commitments from both parties in order to work through the various issues. Speaking the truth in love is key to discovering previously unresolved root problems: bitterness, resentment, rejection, holding grudges, anger, etc. Root problems have root causes that must be dealt with to begin the quest for emotional healing and wellness. Don't be like the boy who buried his dead cat--with the tail sticking out, so he could make sure the cat was still there!!

A problem addressed and confessed is a problem under arrest! God's desire for each of us is that we would walk in emotional and spiritual freedom, and He uses our friendships in the process.



STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO OF THIS SERIES.